Thankfulness

Today I am thankful for eighteen years of the most wonderful sons. It was 18 years ago yesterday I brought them home from the hospital ~ so fresh from God ~ and I believed I was bringing them home to die. In that moment I knew I didn't want them to die in a hospital without anyone holding them so I brought them home and we assembled a mish-mash Thanksgiving meal (of store bought food, leftovers and I think Chinese food). I wonder if that is why, to this day, my boys (now men) do not like traditional Thanksgiving dinner. I guess I will never know, but I do know this ~ I have been blessed by them every single day of the last 18 years.

I am also thankful for the letter "P" as in Pizza, Popcorn, Pumpkin, Pecan and Peach Pie as we give the turkey a Pardon. (snickers at my own Pun) I am blessed to have sons (all three) that are so creative and resilient finding festive in the ordinary. Any day becomes a celebration when we can be together. We have been cooking and snacking all day just for enjoyment without the pressure of having to take off our slippers.

I am thankful for Gavin ~ my angel. Every day he delights me with his love and his gentleness. Today meant extra cuddling this morning, and laughter, followed by compliments (he thinks coffee breath smells good :/ but I am not going to argue with the extra kisses. Maybe it is the pumpkin spice creamer.

I am thankful for friends who also greeted me this morning and being able to share our lives together. I am thankful for the greetings every morning, and out of the blue. I am thankful that we can appreciate each others gifts, keep it real and keep laughing. I'd rather have laugh lines than worry furrows.

I am thankful for my father, though I have not seen him in over twenty years... I am confident he whispers in my ear while I sleep and shores up my character in moments I feel unsure. I am grateful for the man he quietly exemplified in my life every day, his allegiance and even his dedication to the ordinary because today I find such comfort in that routine. I am grateful for his courage and I still draw on that in moments when I feel afraid.

I am thankful for Tallulah, furry, destructive, mischievous, pouncy, clumsy, big-footed Lula~Oola~Tallulah. I am grateful that she reminds me that things are just that ~ things (after she eats them, tears them, breaks them and pees on them)... that I need to remember what has real value are beings and just being (the rest is just stuff ~ her stuff as it turns out).

I am thankful for my garden. I find such serenity in growing things, fussing over them and having them look pretty. Flowers in the fall are a lovely treat. I am grateful in this world that is so filled with cement that I can carve out a little piece of green and enjoy such beauty.

I am thankful for my community ~ in my neighborhood, in my town, in my network, in this greater population I have come to know called disability. I am grateful that I never have to feel alone that one of you is a keystroke away or just outside my door waving to me.

Moving through the stages...

I guess my denial stage was pretty all encompassing because I didn't realize I was in the stages of grief. It is an odd thing to realize how many times I have been on the other end of this and had some comforting words to share yet I cannot find them in the Rolodex of my brain right now. I thought I was going to skip this -- because I eluded myself to believe I had some choice in the matter, a classic trait of person who craves control. And because I believed I had some choice -- after all I jumped off the moving train, I also believed that some how the landing wouldn't hurt? Stupid. Today I am grateful for stage 4 because stage 5 is the upward turn and I feel I have already begun stage 6 and I am reconstructing a life I have been too busy for the last two years. The phone however still weighs a thousand pounds and the thought of social graces over this looming holiday makes me want to vomit. I keep reminding myself to keep breathing -- in through my nose with movement in my ribs and out through my mouth. That helps the nausea. I also try to just keep moving (or as Dori from Nemo would say, "Just keep swimming.") as long as I keep treading water I will find safe harbor. I have no illusions of being rescued.